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Journal Entry: Sat May 4, 2013, 9:26 AM

Cross-posted from my blog. The entry is a little bipolar, my emo and epic nerdy fangirling all rolled into one. You have been warned.



Where do I even start? I'm glad to be alive.

It takes a lot of courage to put certain thoughts and feelings into words, too easy to be hurt for who we are, our heart's fragility can only withstand so much when it comes to our weaknesses, I think.

And so, I hadn't known how to write this, and I still don't exactly, not really. But last year -- getting over depression -- was surely the grandest achievement of me being 24 (and of course my doctor, who didn't even have to put me on antidepressants, thank you).

In many ways, I'd been afraid to write about it because I didn't want to jinx my recovery, it wasn't often I had something good like that. (Because you know, more than once, I'd thought that I was fine, just to find myself living in the very opposite of that the next months.)

It was a lot to take in, becoming… un-unhappy.

From my first memory of acute loneliness, to the first time I thought about death when I was four, a lifetime of problems to fix, all the normalcy I never knew and wondered about, that made me different, that nearly…

I hadn't known I suffered from traumatic stress, it went on for so long I'd accepted my feelings and nightmares as normalcy. So when I could see in my head, during my final session, the foundation blocks of my life and thoughts reslotting and rearranging, completely changing, I couldn't understand how it was possible. It was overwhelming and awe-inspiring. And terrifying.

It was as if I had become someone else, held in my hands the memories of someone I might have been, trying to understand it, feeling like an outsider; as if I were separated from that person's past by a wall of glass, I could look but not reach, nor feel.

It left me lost, like I'd finally emerged from the shadows into the sun, yet all that lay around me was vast indistinct land, and it didn't matter where I went. Until finally, and only because I was trying so hard to find something, anything at all, I felt the moment I left that dream place and came surface to air, and I realised with wonder, that I had healed.

If I could liken it to something, maybe, it's what a person's metamorphosis is like.

That was the most important thing that happened to me at 24.

Of course not discounting my move to New York, and the recent news that I was selected by Vogue Italia to be part of Photo Vogue's exhibition in Milan this June. And I saw Gundam Unicorn! Finally!! I haven't been able to lock away my closet nerdiness after that, because oh god, sick cockpit design is sick. I've been daydreaming about how to spend my first billion dollars (simulation room in my house!!), I even re-watched the series to take screenshots just so I can write a blog post about it. NERDY.

Also just finished Lymond Chronicles' book 4, it was SO emotionally brutal I nearly had a heart attack. Phillipa, my sixteen year old heroine. SO BRAVE. HOW?! She journeyed alone to find her friend's baby son in a foreign land, surrounded by dangers and traps and possible assassinations all the bloody way, and gave up her life to the seraglio just so she could protect the child's safety after she had found him. So freaking badass and so much courage! Why aren't there more people reading this together with me so we can fangirl and fanboy together!?!!

Don't judge me on the fangirling.

The secret to great personal work is being a fangirl. Only when I feel passionate can I create works passionately!

So 24 was an experience alright, here's hoping 25 will be even grander.

Thank you everyone for your encouragements and support and love, I hope I can continue to be a person you can be happy with and proud of. Happy birthday to me! :D

May 4th, 2013

PS: Holy shit, 5 pages of birthday greetings, you guys are way too sweet. Love you dA :love:

Add a Comment:
mexicocitykitty Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
I feel like I too am finally rearranging my life and going through a metamorphosis. Happy beautiful, late birthday.
Exillior Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're a crazy inspiration. You're the same age as me and yet you have achieved so much - both in fighting your inner demons and in the place you have forged for yourself professionally. <3
Kurisiti Featured By Owner May 25, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You have certainly come a long way and I am thrilled to see that you have finally found a place in your life where things are good. Its so hard to heal the wounds we get in life; I think a lot of people forget what it is like to be whole because the healing process takes so long and can be undone so easily. But hearing stories like yours makes me smile and hope a bit more that maybe one day we all will get a chance to go through that metamorphosis. Happy (Belated) Birthday!! ^^
Keviel Featured By Owner May 15, 2013
Taken a while to get around to reading, but sounds like quite the roller coaster. Glad to hear things are shaping up. I've been there, and still am largely as a result of a very painful divorce last year (do they come in any other form?), so I can sympathize for a large part of the way. Getting out of it is no easy task, and it's commendable that you've managed.

Keep up the great work, and I'm sure you'll be making an even bigger name for yourself in the coming years :-)
andrielisilien Featured By Owner May 10, 2013
Congrats on your accomplishment in overcoming depression. :D Your story is an inspiration to me as I am trying to do the same.
chinnychinwen Featured By Owner May 10, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
oh my gosh, i'm just 1 out of maybe a million to feel happy for you, but hope you can feel it anyways.

Love your work, and you've inspired me a lot, both in art and now in life. I love fangirling as well, despite the "idol" being different, but i guess that's what we all do, look to others for courage and strength, and now you've become one of those people.

Wish you all the best in your 25th year. And world peace!
evikted Featured By Owner May 6, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
:hug: Stay beautiful, and never stop growing! Happy Birthday!
JACAC Featured By Owner May 6, 2013
julesjulianne Featured By Owner May 5, 2013
hearing about you--or anyone, as a matter of fact--having depression hit me really hard, because I had (have?) this friend who also suffered from depression. It wasn't a very good experience overall; suffice to say it was hard on us both and we could have parted ways in a much better way (I still don't really understand what happened in the end). I just wanted to say that I'm glad you went to someone who could help you, and that it worked; I know depression affects precisely this but it's having the attitude of wanting to get better that will make things work--not anything else, no matter what anyone else tries. So I'm really glad you made it through, and I want you to know that even if I don't personally know you I'm really glad you're better because you're a person and you deserve that.
kaleidoscopic-mind Featured By Owner May 5, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Happy Birthday! a little late, hehe
I hope you had an amazing day! :D
also it's really encouraging your metamorphosis, along with your work... you are one of the people who has inspired me to get involved in photography. I'm trying to improve in my own work, so maybe one day I can be as successful as you are now :)
Another thing... I hope you come to Mexico again so I can see you!! :D
again...HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! *sings*
SaraElBesh Featured By Owner May 5, 2013  Professional Photographer
late but... happy b-day! your works are inspiration for me... hope to be a day a good photographer like you!
I'm from Milan, I'd really like to see you during your exibith. for vogue! congratulation :)
ncavee Featured By Owner May 5, 2013
many many hugs :hug:

and a BIG "happy birthday"
Reznor-77 Featured By Owner May 5, 2013  Professional Photographer
Happy birthday! Amazingly more genius from year to year!!!
Congratulation for Vogue.

Always a big fan, thanks for sharing your passion.
Catwagons Featured By Owner May 5, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
Your experience with depression is a lot like my own in that I didn't even really know I had had horrible traumas until I was much older. It was like looking through a window at somebody else. I'm happy you were able to find your way out and I am looking forward to seeing the future work that comes of it. Congratulations on your Milan showing, you have always been inspiring even from a very young age.
wolfie157 Featured By Owner May 5, 2013
Happy birthday! As someone going into the mental health field, it gives me great joy to hear stories like yours, of emerging from the depths to a place of change and healing. I'm truly really happy for you, and wish you many more successes in year 25 :)
blueartis Featured By Owner May 5, 2013  Professional Photographer
Happy metamorphosis and happy birthday! Awesome to hear about your courage facing your own personal demons, something not everyone can do. Hope you continue to grow and shine, love your work and your fangirl spirit. :)
xXVampireCookieXx Featured By Owner May 5, 2013  Student Photographer
Happy B-day, just wanted to let you know that you inspire me in my work's in photography. I'm still a student but I hope I can make it as far as you have :3
Maestro77 Featured By Owner May 5, 2013
Congratulations! Stay strong and keep inspiring!
Cynan2 Featured By Owner May 5, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
the journey from twilight to sunrise, from threshold to spatial infinity, from color to darkness and back...may it all unfold in your senses, dreams and bring you more love giving and receiving.
Shadilyn Featured By Owner May 5, 2013
Congratulations on 25, and getting over depression! :) It's not easy. I hope your this year will be awesome for you! May you find more things to fangirl over and continue being awesome. :D
Garapan Featured By Owner May 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I very much relate. It's a life long journey for some, depending on the trauma. Happy Birthday and hopes for healing for you.
ArchdukeMosi Featured By Owner May 4, 2013
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! Here's to another great and wonderful year (im holding a drink up in your name) cheers!!
MalikFangirl680 Featured By Owner May 4, 2013
Happy birthday and good for you on being strong and overcoming the difficulties you had. It's amazing what people can do and overcome when they set their minds on something and stay focused on it. I'm hoping 25 and so on will hold amazing experiences for you!
TheArtributor Featured By Owner May 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I have said and say it again...age is only a number. Ages don't do.
Sugi-chan Featured By Owner May 4, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Happy Birthday! I just want to say that this post really spoke to me. I suffer from severe anxiety and depression and I have my whole entire life. It's a struggle to live, but I'll never stop trying. Things have also been getting better for me over the past year. It touched me to know that someone out there knows how it feels. :hug: I just turned 25 too! Here's to hoping that this year is even more amazing for us!
VenonGT Featured By Owner May 4, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Happy birthday!!
And thank you for being so inspiral with your words.
TechnOkami Featured By Owner May 4, 2013  Student General Artist
Jeezus.... 24 and already so successful... lucky you.
fenrysk-art Featured By Owner May 4, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
happy birthday! indeed, may this year be an exciting year full of blessings and epicness. keep bringing the thunder. infinity seven fighting!
catch---22 Featured By Owner May 4, 2013  Professional Photographer
rainycloudywindy Featured By Owner May 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Happy Birthday!
And thank you for sharing your experiences. It does take a lot of courage to write about, but seeing that you are getting through it gives me courage and inspiration. :love:
icequeenserenity Featured By Owner May 4, 2013
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Congratulations on your great recovery! Depression with and without trauma is one of the hardest forces to fight and I applaud you for working to overcome it. I hope you have a happy year with plenty of success. :rose:
di-Anne Featured By Owner May 4, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm glad to hear that you feel good again! :aww: Good luck in the future and I hope all works out for you. :hug:
KakashiMorph Featured By Owner May 4, 2013
It is good to hear you are well. Happy birthday and have a fantastic 25. :hug:
Parfum-de-feuille Featured By Owner May 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Zemotion is a courageous princess ♥ :huggle:
The-Colorful-Peahen Featured By Owner May 4, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Happy birthday! And congratulations on everything, especially getting over depression!
Alice2021 Featured By Owner May 4, 2013  Student Photographer
Thank's for sharing your inspiring experiences and work! happy birthday! Congrats for that success (healing), to me, those are the greatest successes ;) Much Love!
RiverClanCat Featured By Owner May 4, 2013  Student General Artist
Have a fantastic 25th birthday. You've had many accomplishments, and I can only imagine you'll go much farther in the years to come :)
youlk Featured By Owner May 4, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
great thoughts.
WickedChibi Featured By Owner May 4, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
I'm really glad your feeling better! Depression is some seriously messed up stuff
But Happy Birthday!!
ThePillowGrabber Featured By Owner May 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Congratulations, and thank you for being so brave. You've been an inspiration to me for a long time.
I will always be looking forward to your next photograph, and your next book (Something Beautiful is wonderful).

zemotion Featured By Owner May 12, 2013  Professional Photographer
Thank you! :3
ThePillowGrabber Featured By Owner May 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome! :iconbummy1::iconbummy2::iconbummy3:

It would be amazing to have a book of the Motherland Chronicles from you.
I'll keep crossing my fingers :fingerscrossed: but, meanwhile, good luck on your projects!
zemotion Featured By Owner May 12, 2013  Professional Photographer
Haha I hope so too! Might have to kickstarter it because living in NY is sucking up all my savings, but I'll do my best!
ThePillowGrabber Featured By Owner May 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I'll be sure to back you up when that happens, then! :thumbsup:
theresahelmer Featured By Owner May 4, 2013  Professional Photographer
Ps. Just remember, the same as a spectacular Vogue magazine, remember that no matter how close you follow the jumps: Continued on page whatever. No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel some day. This is all practice. None of this matters. We're just warming up. ~ Chuck Palahniuk Quotes
Qinni Featured By Owner May 4, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
fangirling is good for the soul :nod: When I'm stressed or depressed I always go to my fanfics :lol:~ glad you've gotten better <3~!

happy (belated?) birthday :D
zemotion Featured By Owner May 12, 2013  Professional Photographer
Haha you know what I'm talking about! :love:
iluvstix44 Featured By Owner May 4, 2013
Didn't know it was your birthday! Happy Birthday! Would wish a you the loveliest of days but sounds like you already had it :) :heart:
Ilene-of-Astolat Featured By Owner May 4, 2013
I am so proud of you. :heart: It's a hard journey, to be sure. One that I understand. Congratulations and congratulations for getting out of it without the medication. You are a lovely person and I am so happy and proud of you. :hug:

Congratulations on the Vogue selection! You certainly deserve it. Your work is awe-inspiring. :heart:

Happy Birthday, again. You are very special. Always remember that.
linnyxito Featured By Owner May 4, 2013
I give you the highest of fives. Seriously, this is the best journal I've read in my life! SO HAPPY for you!
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