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May 4, 2013
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25.

Journal Entry: Sat May 4, 2013, 9:26 AM




Cross-posted from my blog. The entry is a little bipolar, my emo and epic nerdy fangirling all rolled into one. You have been warned.

---

25.

Where do I even start? I'm glad to be alive.

It takes a lot of courage to put certain thoughts and feelings into words, too easy to be hurt for who we are, our heart's fragility can only withstand so much when it comes to our weaknesses, I think.

And so, I hadn't known how to write this, and I still don't exactly, not really. But last year -- getting over depression -- was surely the grandest achievement of me being 24 (and of course my doctor, who didn't even have to put me on antidepressants, thank you).

In many ways, I'd been afraid to write about it because I didn't want to jinx my recovery, it wasn't often I had something good like that. (Because you know, more than once, I'd thought that I was fine, just to find myself living in the very opposite of that the next months.)

It was a lot to take in, becoming… un-unhappy.

From my first memory of acute loneliness, to the first time I thought about death when I was four, a lifetime of problems to fix, all the normalcy I never knew and wondered about, that made me different, that nearly…

I hadn't known I suffered from traumatic stress, it went on for so long I'd accepted my feelings and nightmares as normalcy. So when I could see in my head, during my final session, the foundation blocks of my life and thoughts reslotting and rearranging, completely changing, I couldn't understand how it was possible. It was overwhelming and awe-inspiring. And terrifying.

It was as if I had become someone else, held in my hands the memories of someone I might have been, trying to understand it, feeling like an outsider; as if I were separated from that person's past by a wall of glass, I could look but not reach, nor feel.

It left me lost, like I'd finally emerged from the shadows into the sun, yet all that lay around me was vast indistinct land, and it didn't matter where I went. Until finally, and only because I was trying so hard to find something, anything at all, I felt the moment I left that dream place and came surface to air, and I realised with wonder, that I had healed.

If I could liken it to something, maybe, it's what a person's metamorphosis is like.


That was the most important thing that happened to me at 24.

Of course not discounting my move to New York, and the recent news that I was selected by Vogue Italia to be part of Photo Vogue's exhibition in Milan this June. And I saw Gundam Unicorn! Finally!! I haven't been able to lock away my closet nerdiness after that, because oh god, sick cockpit design is sick. I've been daydreaming about how to spend my first billion dollars (simulation room in my house!!), I even re-watched the series to take screenshots just so I can write a blog post about it. NERDY.

Also just finished Lymond Chronicles' book 4, it was SO emotionally brutal I nearly had a heart attack. Phillipa, my sixteen year old heroine. SO BRAVE. HOW?! She journeyed alone to find her friend's baby son in a foreign land, surrounded by dangers and traps and possible assassinations all the bloody way, and gave up her life to the seraglio just so she could protect the child's safety after she had found him. So freaking badass and so much courage! Why aren't there more people reading this together with me so we can fangirl and fanboy together!?!!

Don't judge me on the fangirling.

The secret to great personal work is being a fangirl. Only when I feel passionate can I create works passionately!


So 24 was an experience alright, here's hoping 25 will be even grander.

Thank you everyone for your encouragements and support and love, I hope I can continue to be a person you can be happy with and proud of. Happy birthday to me! :D

Jingna
May 4th, 2013

PS: Holy shit, 5 pages of birthday greetings, you guys are way too sweet. Love you dA :love:

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:iconmexicocitykitty:
mexicocitykitty Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
I feel like I too am finally rearranging my life and going through a metamorphosis. Happy beautiful, late birthday.
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:iconexillior:
Exillior Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're a crazy inspiration. You're the same age as me and yet you have achieved so much - both in fighting your inner demons and in the place you have forged for yourself professionally. <3
Reply
:iconkurisiti:
Kurisiti Featured By Owner May 25, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You have certainly come a long way and I am thrilled to see that you have finally found a place in your life where things are good. Its so hard to heal the wounds we get in life; I think a lot of people forget what it is like to be whole because the healing process takes so long and can be undone so easily. But hearing stories like yours makes me smile and hope a bit more that maybe one day we all will get a chance to go through that metamorphosis. Happy (Belated) Birthday!! ^^
Reply
:iconkeviel:
Keviel Featured By Owner May 15, 2013
Taken a while to get around to reading, but sounds like quite the roller coaster. Glad to hear things are shaping up. I've been there, and still am largely as a result of a very painful divorce last year (do they come in any other form?), so I can sympathize for a large part of the way. Getting out of it is no easy task, and it's commendable that you've managed.

Keep up the great work, and I'm sure you'll be making an even bigger name for yourself in the coming years :-)
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:iconandrielisilien:
andrielisilien Featured By Owner May 10, 2013
Congrats on your accomplishment in overcoming depression. :D Your story is an inspiration to me as I am trying to do the same.
Reply
:iconchinnychinwen:
chinnychinwen Featured By Owner May 10, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
oh my gosh, i'm just 1 out of maybe a million to feel happy for you, but hope you can feel it anyways.

Love your work, and you've inspired me a lot, both in art and now in life. I love fangirling as well, despite the "idol" being different, but i guess that's what we all do, look to others for courage and strength, and now you've become one of those people.

Wish you all the best in your 25th year. And world peace!
Reply
:iconevikted:
evikted Featured By Owner May 6, 2013
:hug: Stay beautiful, and never stop growing! Happy Birthday!
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:iconjacac:
JACAC Featured By Owner May 6, 2013
:cuddle:
Reply
:iconjulesjulianne:
julesjulianne Featured By Owner May 5, 2013
hearing about you--or anyone, as a matter of fact--having depression hit me really hard, because I had (have?) this friend who also suffered from depression. It wasn't a very good experience overall; suffice to say it was hard on us both and we could have parted ways in a much better way (I still don't really understand what happened in the end). I just wanted to say that I'm glad you went to someone who could help you, and that it worked; I know depression affects precisely this but it's having the attitude of wanting to get better that will make things work--not anything else, no matter what anyone else tries. So I'm really glad you made it through, and I want you to know that even if I don't personally know you I'm really glad you're better because you're a person and you deserve that.
Reply
:iconkaleidoscopic-mind:
kaleidoscopic-mind Featured By Owner May 5, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Happy Birthday! a little late, hehe
I hope you had an amazing day! :D
also it's really encouraging your metamorphosis, along with your work... you are one of the people who has inspired me to get involved in photography. I'm trying to improve in my own work, so maybe one day I can be as successful as you are now :)
Another thing... I hope you come to Mexico again so I can see you!! :D
again...HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! *sings*
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