Wed Jan 16, 2013, 7:56 AM
~ Asia's Next Top Model ~
Ohai~ As promised, here's episode 6 of Asia's Next Top Model Cycle 1 where I was the photographer.
I really love the part with Helena, I think it's pretty funny haha.
~ New Project Coming Soon ~
NY's been awesome! I've been keeping busy. Thank you so much everyone for the suggestions and help in the last post! I really appreciate it.
Besides finding an apartment and getting 99 used Hermann Hesse books from Amazon, I've also got a new project planned with , to be announce soon. It's going to be something personal and fun and I'm super excited to start shooting.
~ Behind the Scenes ~
I'm going to backtrack a little and post some behind-the-scenes from last year on my blog! If there's a particular shoot you'd like to see, leave a comment to let me know and I'll try to find something.
~ Voting for [FRAMED] ~
Last but not least, I'm a finalist in the Fashion and Beauty categories for [FRAMED] Awards! If you can vote for me it'd mean so much to me to have the judges see my work. Voting is daily until Feb 8th. Thank you www.framedawards.com/ARTISTS
Tue Jan 1, 2013, 1:26 PM
Hello everyone and happy new year!! Hope everyone had a great holiday season~
~ New York! ~
I've finally moved! It's so colddddd. I'm now busy apartment-hunting, if you know any good places for me to look feel free to suggest! Need large space so I can shoot at home haha.
Super excited for what's in store here and hopefully I'll get to meet some awesome deviants! I can't wait for the shoots omgggg.
~ Assistants ~
I'm putting together a list of those keen to assist me on shoots here in NYC, it will mostly be weekday daytime only. If you're interested send me a PM and we'll talk more about it!
~ 2012 Recap ~
There is a 2012 wrap-up post on my blog! Also a reading list! Feel free to check it out below to see what I've been up to the past year.
- 2012 Wrap-up
- Inspirational Reads 2012
I'm so going to be blogging more this year. I wrote like 4 posts in the past week lol.
~ Asia's Next Top Model ~
I was photographer in the recent episode of Asia's Next Top Model! I think it will go online sometime in the next couple weeks, I shall link it when I know it. ^^
That be all for this post~ I wish everyone an epically artistic and awesome 2013!!!
PS: Follow me on Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr and stuff for regular updates~
Fri Sep 14, 2012, 8:39 AM
A while ago I made my photobook Something Beautiful available for sale again. Amongst the feedback were some requests for my postcard collection as well.
Unfortunately I don't have the manpower to handle so much shipping and handling while working on my own, but I do have a few copies of it with me which I'd love to share with you.
Feel free to enter the giveaway if you don't have a copy yet, thank you so very much for the support everyone. ♥
Join the giveaway here.
Tue Jul 24, 2012, 8:46 AM
I'm going to Stockholm tomorrow! Would anyone be interested in a meetup?
I was actually considering holding a workshop, but I don't really have the logistics capabilities to put something together under a short timeframe, since I'll need model, hair, makeup, stylist, studio, projector, etc. But meetup that I can try for sure.
I'll also be going to the WCS Nordic Nationals if anyone else is going! - www.dreamhack.se/dhs12/2012/06…
In other news! Limited Edition of my photobook "Something Beautiful" is available for sale again until next Friday. zemotion.net/beautiful
Sorry for the very short timeframe I've opened it for, I just have so much travels it's really very difficult to keep it available for sale long-term since I handle all the shipping myself. >_<
Also have some new works and group exhibitions recently! Please follow me on Facebook and Twitter for all the updates~!
Mon Jun 18, 2012, 2:47 PM
One of the biggest eSports events happened 2 weekends ago in Anaheim, California. techgnotic was so kind as to drop by and check it out with my team Infinity Seven.
Check out his super amazing article here (with great art and a couple photos I took)!
Infinity Seven Takes On the Coming Zerg InvasionStarCraft II is the hot tournament videogame that just may breakthrough as the harbinger of the esports phenomenon and one of the great cultural game-changers of all time. Midnight in Anaheim. Caffeinated casters boom rapid fire commentary rattling the packed hall. Elite StarCraft players from around the globe execute complex strats that would have made Rommel the Desert Fox himself proud. 15,000 are in attendance, on the edge of their seats, and cheering as loudly as any soccer match as they watch the 30-foot screens hanging from the rafters. Another few hundred thousand are watching the streams live. The feeling is that of an NCAA Final Four game, set in a European soccer stadium, somehow shoehorned into a casino showroom in Las Vegas. It’s all of the skill, the fan devotion and the spectacle anyone could possibly ask for.
:icontechgnotic: Jun 15, 2012 by :devtec
What did you think about the questions for the readers? Link them here as I'd love to know everyone's thoughts! Here's mine: comments.deviantart.com/1/3086…
Did anyone else go to Anaheim? It was such a great event wasn't it?! I hope I can go for DreamHack one day too!
Thu May 17, 2012, 7:47 AM
So like, woahhhh. 10 years. Crazy. How did time pass by so fast?
It doesn't really exactly feel like that long ago when I first started visiting dA and now it's already been a decade.
So kinda for myself (and also anyone possibly interested) here's a journal post recapping my last 10 years~ (Also sort of my journal in photography too, I guess.)
May 17 2002
I signed up on dA when someone in the drawing group I hung out with told me to check out his works here. I was only 14 then. I didn't use dA a lot at the time because it looked like this: web.archive.org/web/2003042606…
I was on a 15" 1024x768 display and the ad banner + dA header took up half my screen on every page load. Did not like. >_>
I dropped by dA every now and then, in Sept I suddenly found it a lot more user-friendly, the new version: web.archive.org/web/2003092201…
I added dA to my daily visit and I started making friends on the site.
I started helping post his works on various art forums and websites, and became active on dA because of that.
Some of the first works of his I posted here:
noah-kh started getting rather popular. (Back then, anyone with 10,000 pageviews was considered rather impressive, I think the new dA benchmark is probably at least 500,000 or 1 million, I have no clue.)
I liked meeting new people while managing his work. But still, it sucked to have nothing of my own to show. I started posting my modelling attempts:
Gahhh goosebumps. No offense to the photographers, I'm just really not model material.
I continued managing Noah's work, and met loads of awesome, cool people.
I was very into Japanese Visual Rock and played the keyboard for a band that did a lot of X Japan and Luna Sea covers. I met a lot of other guys in the scene at various gigs and eventually met (Arissa), who was doing fashion design at school. And I thought hey, I wanna do that too, then I can make awesome costumes for myself for my photoshoots! Very nice, Jingna.
I bought my first camera as a birthday gift to myself. Dude who sold me the camera didn't even tell me I needed a memory card for the camera! So my first photos with the camera ever were of perfume bottles because that's the only things I could think of photographing while tethered to the computer. -_-
After finally getting my hands on a CF card, I asked Arissa to model for my first photoshoot:
I had to feature her work because I loved her designs so much back then. Haha we were such punks.
It still hadn't really occurred to me that I'd wanna do fashion photography. But studying fashion design -- we had photo projects so I started experimenting in the direction.
The most convenient model was still myself though, so I started doing self portraits:
Did a collab with noah-kh! He coloured my horrendous lineart, I can't for the life of me think why he would agree to something like that.
I started getting into daily top favorites on the frontpage. Not very often but here and there, 2-3 hours at a time. My watchers started growing and I started managing both my own account and noah-kh's.
I photographed some of my most viewed works on deviantART. The dress was actually school work I had to document, so it was quite unexpected for it to end up so well received.
I remember asking for his advice on Forgotten Fairytales, if or how I should edit the picture. I was considering smoothing out the dress towards the end or cropping it, but in the end we just agreed it looked the best as it was, so I left it alone. Since then I sort of came to the habit of trying to capture all elements as perfect as possible in my shot so I never have to go through the unnatural process of changing the flow of something, it became quite important to me.
Photographed my sister:
Received my very own Deviousness Award! You can read it on my page right under the Journal post.
My first commercial job! For Mandy Wu Jewelry www.mandywu.com/?page_id=280
I think like many of my first clients, Mandy discovered my work on dA.
Worked on a Gothic Lolita series "The Midnight Game".
My last semester in fashion school. I decided to quit. You can read more about it on my blog post about my education here: blog.zhangjingna.com/2009/09/m…
By this time I already had some work offers. Small jobs like gigs, event photography, I was young and I was new, so I tried doing everything I could just to see how much I could make to support myself.
I started work as an assistant at a photo studio, more to placate my parents in my 2nd school-quitting episode than anything else. I lasted a month before I decided it was pointless if I don't get to shoot my own things, which I yearned to do so much of.
In order to really give focus to photography I quit the national air rifle team too, I saw that as the end of a chapter in my life. It was really quite a bit change.
Wacom picked me up as a featured artist for their Cintiq range in Asia. The featured image was Luna:
I started experimenting with studio photography.
X Japan Reunion!
For how much X Japan meant to me I couldn't miss out on this concert.
I met so many amazing people and made so many friends that trip to Japan that Tokyo remains one of the cities I actually have most friends gatherings in until today.
answered my call for assistants on dA and was a super wonderful help as translator/assistant over the next half a dozen or so trips I was there.
This was quite a life-changing trip as it gave me time to reflect on what I wanted to do with photography and gave me a sense of purpose.
I did SO much work there. And I can't believe Arissa and I managed to catch the cherry blossoms in full bloom for our shoot. It was so incredible.
With the feeling of change and all the support I was shown on dA I decided to do an exhibition and a book.
I still have a hard time believing I was only 20 when I did that. And really, it probably would not have happened if not for the support I was receiving from everyone here.
Noah and I were both chosen as featured artists for the Intuos 4.
After my exhibition and book I started throwing myself into commercial/editorial work and thus reduced the amount of time I had for personal pieces, something which I regretted later. But looking back now, it was the year for so many 'first times', so I can't really exactly argue.
The few personal shoots I managed to do, I was extremely proud of them.
deviantART World Tour
Holy shit, I can't believe I went to THREE of them.
I went to Paris with photographer friend Quentin Shih to assist him on a gallery project for Dior, and since I was there I thought, hey I'll go to London too. I wonder if anyone else went to more stops than I did besides and ?
I came back to Singapore to confirmed jobs with Mercedes Benz Taiwan, Harper's Bazaar Singapore, Pond's Indonesia, and Gothic & Lolita Bible in Japan.
Shooting for Gothic & Lolita Bible was such a dream come true, having collected the magazine from since... volume 3 or 5 or something.
The awesome thing about travelling so much is meeting deviants from around the world. Got to photograph dA superstars and ~!
I met and photographed Sugizo. For a PERSONAL shoot. Like. Holy shit.
And turns out Sugizo liked my photo enough that he requested to use it for his book the next year.
I wrote a little summary blog post for 2009, if you'd like you can read it here: blog.zhangjingna.com/2010/01/2…
More exhibitions! I had 2 solo ones that year.
I held a show at Japan Creative Center in Singapore, I showed a collective of images from my earlier days, the central theme was visions inspired by Japan.
Exhibition: Angel Dreams by Zhang Jingna
Some of you probably already know about this from my Facebook page, but just for those who missed out, I'm preparing for a new exhibition due to start this month on the 29th till 18th June.
This is my second solo gallery show, man, I'd forgotten how much a pain it is to do one till I got down to doing it. T_T But this is something I had really been wanting to do for this year, so here it is.
The collection will feature some Japanese-themed pieces, photos from my collaboration with Sugizo, some other previously unpublished works, a selection of my iconic pieces over the years, as well as a room with outtakes, behind-the-scenes photos, work-in-progress materials, and personal items like artbooks and photobooks that have influenced and inspired me over the years.
The venue is a really beautiful space and I'm very excited to begin with the installation, except we've yet to start on the printing because
Feel free to check out some photos from the event here: blog.zhangjingna.com/2010/07/a…
Also had a street exhibition along Orchard Road in Singapore during the Audi Fashion Festival. It was quite a big set up as fashion works had never been showcased in that manner before.
deviantART 10th Year Anniversary Birthday Bash!
I went with and met , , , , , and the guys from IFS!
It was superbly awesome and you can check out photos on my journal post:
dA Birthday Bash! With Kissing Llamas!! XDLong post ahead~!!
:icontobiee: and I were invited to the deviantART birthday bash at House of Blues in Los Angeles last weekend.
Met :iconspyed:, :iconheidi:, :iconzilla774:, :iconfongmingyun:, :iconlychi:, :iconpelicanh: and the guys from IFS!
But we spent most of the time hanging out with :iconyuumei: and her best friend Leah.
There were kissing llamas!
We had early admittance so I went scouting around the place when it was still near-empty. I super love all their ceiling details especially the last one. It was used as the staff room so I guess most people didn't get the chance to see, the patchwork is really beautiful~
First it was pretty much just :icontobiee: and I roaming around. Bumped into the guys from Imaginary Friends Studios and spoke for a little while.
From left: Artgerm, dcwj, kunkka, and ukitakumuki
The deviantART Muro was announced after the event opened proper. Everyone was encouraged
I continued travelling, moved to stay in Los Angeles for some time. In 2010 I got to visit Pixar, Blizzard, Dreamworks, and gave a talk for Canon in Singapore and at Laguna College of Art and Design. All was good.
Personal favourites from the year:
Went to Montreal with and ! We crashed with and met up with , who gave me a tour at Ubisoft Montreal! Life is awesome when I get tours, I'm so very easy to please.
I started a StarCraft II team, called Infinity Seven: infinityseven.net
I shot with Rain in Korea, and was interviewed by dA at Comic Con:
deviantART decided to sponsor my team!
We've come a long way now from then and the roster has massively changed, and instead of no-name leagues we're actually getting into group play in major tournaments like MLGs etc. We wouldn't be where we are today without dA's support, so thank you dA.
deviantART teams with `zemotion for eSports!DeviantART is always on the lookout for ways to support deviants who are embarking on creative and collaborative ventures. Zhang Jingna, aka zemotion, has been member of the site for nine years. A vibrant member of the community, zemotion has found professional success in the field of photography, and a quick look into her gallery can easily tell you why. Our relationship with her over the years -- one of friendship and respect -- has brought us a great opportunity to support her recently formed gaming group, Infinity Seven.
Infinity Seven, or iS, is a professional gaming team in the North American eSports scene comprised of both newer players and long-term veterans of Starcraft II. Formed as a casual clan earlier this year, iS quickly rose to the top, claiming 1st place victories in LaG League (ESGL) and American Pro League (APL).
Infinity Seven's most recent ventures have qualified
Elle Awards - Photographer of the YearHi everyone~ I've already announced this on Facebook and Twitter, but just for those who don't follow me on either, I wanted to let you know that I won Photographer of the Year at Elle Awards Singapore yesterday!!
It's really an honor and words can't describe how happy I am. I want to say thank you everyone for your kindness and support, and that I will keep on creating and work really really hard so I can present you more images. Thank you
One of my favorite shoots from 2011:
I coloured my hair a dozen times this year, it's now pink.
I got interviewed a few times in the SC2 community so I get to talk about dA quite often. XD
I'd been a bit busy with shooting, went to Vietnam in March and then New York the rest of it until late April.
Now I'm in the midst of working out a move to New York, so stay tuned for pictures from there soon~
In closing I'd like to thank all the wonderful people on dA for being such an awesome community~ You guys are so super amazing, you have no idea.
Last but not least thank you and everyone I can't fit in here because of the journal's 60kb post limit, you know who you are~ I'm so glad to have met you here and I love you all, stay awesome.
*Edit: Someone suggested I do an improvement meme, so I made one! My work from 2006-2012:
My Education - blog.zhangjingna.com/2009/09/m…
Equipment and Where The Money Comes From - blog.zhangjingna.com/2010/10/e…
Fri May 11, 2012, 9:14 AM
Next Thursday marks my 10th year on dA.
Like, woah, time sure passes by fast. I'm not sure if I'll be able to find time, but I think I'll try to make a birthday photo post, or something.
In other news! I'm happy to announce that I've been represented in New York and will thus be moving there sometime this year.
And my hair is pink now!
So um, yeah, that's it for now. I love you all, and thank you for the birthday messages!!
Sat Feb 11, 2012, 12:56 AM
Last weekend I was lucky enough to be invited to NataliaTaffarel's workshop in Singapore. It's been a looooooong time since I'd been to any sort at all but I had so much fun. Natalia's so good and the people there were super nice~!! Hmm it's like, I've forgotten how it's like meeting so new people somehow. I guess working alone does that to people sometimes? T_T;;;
Since then I'd been really productive and hardworking and it's a welcoming change I think. So definitely be expecting more updates from me~~
~ Workshops? ~
Anyway so I spent a lot of time with Natalia and the workshop organizers and they're finally making me think about doing some workshops too. I'd actually been asked about this pretty frequently but have really never said yes because I think it's just too difficult to do a good job and make everyone happy. But I know from the few talks I've done at schools and events I don't hate it or anything. So maybe it's time I want to give it a shot?
I'm wondering if I do host workshops where are locations that you guys are interested in? I guess I can do a poll later on but would love to have some suggestions here to start with :3
~ New York ~
Also thinking about hitting up New York next month to meet with some magazines, photo reps and ad agencies, perhaps I can host a meetup again then~ And if anyone's interested in assisting during that time I'll post up notices when the planning stages are closer too.
~ Etc... ~
Last but not least! I think I'll be heading to MLG Columbus and so are 2-3 of my players. So definitely do hit us up if you're there~ That's it for recent news. Do check out my gallery for recent works and my new hair
Fri Nov 18, 2011, 8:25 AM
Hi everyone~ I've already announced this on Facebook and Twitter, but just for those who don't follow me on either, I wanted to let you know that I won Photographer of the Year at Elle Awards Singapore yesterday!!
It's really an honor and words can't describe how happy I am. I want to say thank you everyone for your kindness and support, and that I will keep on creating and work really really hard so I can present you more images. Thank you
Tue Nov 8, 2011, 12:28 PM
I'll be going live on Twit.tv in an hour at 1.30pm Pacific time.
If you have any questions for me please feel free to ask and I'll try to answer them during the show.
Will be talking about my photography, some of my favourite photos, gears, etc.
I'm sleep deprived so I'm not looking very good atm though so please forgive me for that T_T;;
Hope you guys will enjoy it if you tune in~~ Thanks
Thank you for tuning in everyone!! I'm SO sorry we ran out of time to cover any questions at all (omg i talked too much). I will do an ask me anything later on I promise! And go over these questions for you <3
Mon Oct 3, 2011, 3:16 PM
Just wanted to point you to this journal post from - hq.deviantart.com/blog/4470050…
So yupp dA will be supporting my StarCraft II team~ For eSports~!!!
Thank you dA, and . I can't wait to bring some good results home to dA~
Wed Jul 27, 2011, 1:35 PM
I was interviewed at the dA booth when roaming around at Comic-Con. Thanks so much for the interview dA (and everything you'd done for me these 9 years really)!! :3
Sorry I have no idea how to embed the video into the journal like the Comic-Con journal entries... ;_;
Wed Jul 20, 2011, 10:54 PM
I published this on my Facebook but for those of you who don't know, I was recently in Korea for a job and wasn't really able to talk about it till now.
I was fortunate to be part of Anchor Beer's regional campaign in Asia starring superstar Rain.
Chris Godfrey was the director for the TV commercial (an amazing, amazing man) and I shot the supporting print advertisement as well as a series of behind the scenes photos.
The print campaign was pretty straightforward but the TVC set was nothing short of spectacular. For 3 days we had a 4pm-4am schedule with the first day's shoot being a grand on-location night scene.
It was an incredible experience being able to see the making of and also be part of such a great project.
Thank you Anchor Beer and The Alchemy Partnership for having me along with your super amazing team, Conan Thai for being an awesome assistant and Lim Jooyeon for translating and assisting on location.
My team Infinity Seven just beat Evil Geniuses in a clanwar in the Esports Entertainment NA league.
We beat some really great players like EGiNcontroL, EGLzGaMeR and EGDeMusliM and lost to EGIdrA. T_T
To think the team has only been around for five months it's quite an accomplishment winning against such a great team. I'm super proud of my players Edge, jEcho and Taurent. If anyone's going to MLG Anaheim do look out for us (I'll be there!!) please do come and say hi~~ :3
I'll be going to Comic Con tomorrow and Sunday~!! If you have a table please let me know so I can go look for you haha~ I'll definitely be checking out yuumei and dA's tables~ Should be super fun!!
Fri Jul 1, 2011, 6:24 AM
Real quick update. I'll be at AX with tomorrow through Monday! Our table is E25 in the artist alley. If you play Monster Hunter (Freedome Unite or Portable 3rd) bring your PSP and we'll all play!
And also just a note, I upload lots on Facebook and Twitter these days because I'm so lazy with blogging and writing long descriptions for artworks and those are easier to update... T_T
So follow me on Facebook or Twitter for news, new works, updates and other stuff~!!
And and, if you play SC2 get on the NA server and come to channel "iS" to play some team games!! My ID is oTLJinn
Sun Mar 20, 2011, 8:47 PM
Ohai guys, it's been a while.
I just went on the longest hiatus I'd ever had since I started photography, I think I'm back but man there's so much to catch up on.
Anyways, if anyone's interested, I'm holding a meetup here in Toronto this coming Tuesday before heading back to Singapore on Friday.
For more details please check the events page here: www.facebook.com/event.php?eid…
If you don't follow my blog I'd also made a post on tips for fashion photography recently, you can check it out here: blog.zhangjingna.com/2011/02/8…
Thanks for all the comments, emails, notes, etc~
PS: If you play StarCraft 2 and wanna hang out my clan's channel is "iS" on the NA server and my username is oTLJinn~ We're looking for good master players to practice with but please feel free to come by to say hi whenever~
Wed Dec 22, 2010, 7:44 AM
Lights are wrapped around the trees lining Omotesando Dori, it's beautiful, and reminds me of how close Christmas really is.
I was just settling into Toronto after touching down last Thursday, before an unexpected email from Sugizo's manager arrived two days later, asking if I'd be keen to photograph Luna Sea's LIVE in Tokyo at Tokyo Dome this weekend.
The past couple days had been sleepless with my packing, flight from LA to Toronto, meetings, more meetings, retouching, the pending confirmation for my Tokyo trip, and then packing again followed by the 13-hour flight from Toronto to Narita. I was retouching even on the plane.
During my short stay in Toronto I managed to meet up with , , , , and who were all really, really wonderful to be with. I can also safely say without and (who stayed up with me to keep me awake while retouching) I probably wouldn't have survived those days. Thank you my dears. ;_;
It feels good to be back in Japan, this trip marks my 10th time in Tokyo. In some ways, the familiarity makes it feel like a 2nd home to me now. And I think that familiarity is something really beautiful, for it brings back memories, making those moments feel close and real again, and that feeling is precious, almost like a dream, but real. So much memories here.
Mon Dec 13, 2010, 11:51 AM
Just wanted to let you know that I'm doing a giveaway on my Facebook page.
There're 3 copies of my postcard books and one mystery gift. Check out the details here! - www.facebook.com/notes/zemotio…
Went for Justin Sweet's workshop last Saturday with . Saw many amazing pieces he did for Narnia's Voyage of the Dawn Treader that didn't get used for the film. So so beautiful. I wanna work in film too!! ;____;
Toronto next week!!
Wed Dec 8, 2010, 11:18 AM
Many thank yous for your encouragements, stories, and kind words in the last entry. It was extremely touching as I read through each and every one of them, I really felt very loved. Thank you.
I would like to share the news that I am now represented by Suzy Johnston + Associates.
Now North American clients will have someone to go to, and for the rest of you it means I'll have more consistent help and be able to do more personal work, and hopefully be able to actually start touring my exhibitions other than just doing them in Singapore.
That and I guess, I'll have more time for my 2nd book to get it together sooner. It all sounds very vague but I am trying my best to work on everything, please be patient with me. ;_;
I also have some plans to roll out fine art edition and limited edition prints from next year on. If you have something you'd been pining for ages please do tell me what they are, but keep in mind I won't be able to make every piece of work I have available because it's quite a big inventory. They'll probably also be quite pricey for the most of you because fine art prints are just really expensive to make... sorry. OTL
And and, I'll be doing a giveaway on my Facebook next week once work clears up!! Do check back on the page as I'll be updating the details over there~! :3
Thu Nov 11, 2010, 3:16 PM
I just want to say thank you everyone for the emails, notes and comments.
I feel very touched, very loved.
You have no idea how long and often those thoughts have plagued me, how much your words and reassurances and understandings mean.
Sometimes there is no room and nowhere to say anything else next to a piece of work, and it's so easy to be taken granted for to be assumed to be judged at and it's so lonely and painful to deal with along with everything else.
Your words and support really made me feel that I'm not as much a... failure as I believed. Made me feel that, even if just for a little bit, that those failures were okay.
I read every single comment, note and email, and I cried reading many of them. Thank you, thank you thank you thank you. I'll get better and be a stronger girl.
Crossposted from my blog because I'm so emo right now I can't care enough.
The accident had me thinking really hard about some things that had been on my mind for a long time.
It feels like the depression from my teenage years pretty much just melted into a very long and dreary quarter-life crisis that seems to go on forever.
I try really hard to do my best, to hopefully keep up with my promises and live for the ones who're no longer here. But sometimes I really feel like I'm not strong enough to go that far.
Sometimes when I look back, it feels like my life is merely an accumulation of running-aways. I left RGS because I couldn't fit in, because I was used to excelling in primary school and in a school full of girls made for the Ivy League, I was far from hardworking or smart enough in comparison.
My god-sister won her Olympics gold at 16. For so long I yearned for something close. I trained hard for air rifle, much harder than my peers at my best times. And much more than photography, I did know for certain that I was more than talented, prodigious or whatever they called it, I reached scores people took years to reach within months, I knew I was born for air rifle.
So for those years my mum and I struggled against the association which wanted me to do bad no matter what, just because I was the coach's daughter, just because I did well, just because I was talented, just because my stepdad wanted to rein my mum in.
I thought I was strong, I thought I could hold out till my moment of glory to prove them wrong and be saved. I tried so hard, but I was so wrong.
There was no one to save us when I won my gold at the Commonwealth Shooting Championships. What came after can only be called fate's idea of a bad jokepeople ganged up to sabotage my mum in attempt to get her jailed for life. They lied and coerced students to sign letters of events that never happened. She was in and out of the police station every other morning.
We lived those months in constant fear. I repeatedly dreamt about my stepdad's threat to hurt or kill my sister if my mum didn't lend him money in visuals too vivid and bloody for comfortwe were always being hunted, I would always try to hide her away. And he would grab hold of my arm and carve the flesh off my skin as I watched and it felt too real and too horrifying.
Whatever last bits of strength I might have had left from those earlier years of pain left me. I broke. And then it was a downward spiral into nothingness.
Despite being trained by the best coaches with the sincerest coaching with the best teams in China and Korea those six years, I failed.
No matter the circumstances it's all excuses when it's over. I couldn't climb back up. I was messed up. In searching of something else to focus on I turned my attention to photography which was then only a hobby. The worse I was doing in air rifle the more I tried to run away from it because there were no expectations for me to fail in photo-taking.
I left school again one semester short of finishing my fashion diploma because I still didn't fit in, the school was being retarded, and because people hated me for doing well when I was always away too often for rifle. Lame really, couldn't never fit in.
Just fail after fail after fail after fail.
No matter what I do I'm just never strong enough.
And the more people tell me how amazing I am at photography the more I fear how I'd just fail and not be able to go on.
The more I think I'd gotten over their deaths the more the guilt of being alive haunts me.
Some nights I remember Noah telling me the stories from his village the traumas from his childhood the freezing winters we spent together and how much more fortunate I am than what we were as children.
Some nights my mind won't stop replaying the image of L's fractured sprawling body, the blood, his broken head and all the brains that were spilled on the grounds, it hurt so so much to think.
Some nights I remember M crying and she was like the sun and she never cried, but when we talked about H's death she cried and cried and cried and we were only twelve and they used to be so close and I knew how it hurt and it hurt me too.
Some nights I remember grandma visiting me and the empty hospital corridors and how lonely I'd felt ever since my first memory.
Some nights I remember the first time I tried to stab myself with a pair of scissors and how I wished that process wouldn't hurt so I could just go and despite being four I knew I'd never be fixed.
Some nights I remember being told I wasn't wanted and I think about how little I do and how much I fail and I really wish I didn't exist.
Some nights I wonder how everyone else copes with everyone else's deaths and at the same time I don't want to know, because if I don't hurt and don't remember then their deaths and existence would be lost and that would be too sad.
Sometimes I just really want it to stop hurting but I know it never will.
And no I'm not suddenly being emo I'd just always tried to hold it in for fear of being a negative influence for fear of being judged. But the people who want to judge will judge either ways and people who don't get it will never do and people who talk without consideration for others' feelings will continue to be that way so whatever.
Sometimes people talk like I don't have feelings but I'm only human like you and probably more emotional and I can't be treated like a hero and be expected to be perfect because I am not, I'm just someone broken trying to live a little bit of life in this world and it's so hard because it's as if there is no place for me anywhere.
Sometimes all the expectations really weigh and I seriously don't think I'm that great or amazing, and whatever I do it never seems to ever be enough because it's never enough because there's still so much farther to go and I feel like I'll never have the strength to get there because my life had been nothing but a spiral of fail and hurt and pain.
Sometimes I just really want it to stop hurting.
Tue Nov 9, 2010, 3:13 PM
On the drive home from San Gabriel after dinner on Sunday night my roommates tobiee, Greg and I met with an accident.
I was in the backseat so I didn't see what was happening. I only know we were turning out onto the main road one moment and the next there was a loud bang as we smashed into another car, and the air filled itself with chemicals and smoke and the seat belt strapped so hard into my body it hurt and in that instant I was grateful it held me from crashing into the seat in front.
The smoke got worse and for a moment that felt too long, no one moved. I thought we were going to die.
It became painful to breathe, I thought my friends were hurt, or worse dead. I thought the car would go up in flames, I couldn't see through to anything except the cracked windshield. I thought maybe I was going to be trapped inside because it was happening too fast and I would be out before finding the strength and solution to get out.
And then that frozen moment was over. As if in a dream the guys opened their doors, the seat in front of me was pushed forward and I climbed out for air.
The front of the car was a wreck, liquids were streaking towards the sides of the road. The other car had pulled over to the side after the crossing. We went over and in the backseat there was a baby in a carrier wailing.
We hesitantly approached the mother to ask if the child was fine because for all we know something terrible could have happened to such a fragile body. Praise all the gods out there no one was badly injured. I'm so grateful we are all alive.
The moments in the car made me think it almost regrettable for me to be dying then. It made me regret how little I'd done with my life, how sad I'd barely done anything enough, how disappointing I'd started taking the existence of others for granted again.
Sometimes, it feels as if death doesn't want me to forget how easily it can take everything away, doesn't want me to forget.